Paging Ben Franklin, Ben Franklin....

Woke up to no power. Guard should have anticipated this and turned off the prison alarm. He knows that the alarm will go off when the power goes off. 

#1 awakes to the beep and screams "It's my birthday!!"  Now the entire neighborhood is awake, including all the other prisoners. 

Time for breakfast. 

3: I want pancakes. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

3:  Why?

3: I want waffles. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

3:  Why?

3: I want eggs.  

Guard: Can't, no power. 

3:  Why?

3: I want coffee. 

Guard: So do I. 

3:  Why?

Birthday presents unwrapped. Yet another HUGE mistake. It seemed like a good idea to buy scooters for 1&2. But they want to ride them-- who wouldn't?  But an iced over everything outside presents a problem. And a garage full of cars that can't be moved until the ice is removed from the driveway is of no use. 

Heat will quickly become an issue. Start fire in fireplace. Easy task except when prisoners require attention. After 72 attempts, Guard is not any closer to having the fire started. Attempt 73 is the ticket. 

Now to begin our day. 

2: I want to watch tv. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

2:  Why?

2: I want to watch play the WII. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

2:  Why?

1: I want to watch videos on my iPod. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

1:  Why?

Someone at Guards work: I want to have a web conference. 

Guard: Can't, no power. 

Someone at Guards work:  Why?

'Twas the night before....

A.  Prisoners 1 & 2 turning 6

B.  Apocalyptic ice storm

C.  Major leadership meltdown due to cabin fever

D.  ANOTHER snow day

E.  All of the above

F.  Some of the above

Bets are on E. 

Attempt at family dinner went awry. #3 decides it's party time. Everyone states what they are thankful for and what they did for the day. Everything going well until #3 decides she must thank God for her bodily functions for the day. Always one to bring the conversation into the gutter. 

Convinced that there is a conspiracy in place by laundry detergent manufactures. Current theory is they pump subliminal messages into the schools. These messages make these kids produce insane amounts of dirty clothes. Where do they all come from?

Paint is still being found and cleaned after previous days body painting. Floors, walls, tables. Trying to determine how to remove paint from the voids in granite counter tops. 

Lights out not going well. Prisoners understand the correlation between prison phone, Warden phone and Guard phone ringing within seconds of one another-- obviously it is the school calling for a delay or cancelation. Party time/riot insues. Obvious breakdown in planning by Warden and Guard. Must silence phones for remainder of winter. 

Steve Jobs is my hero. iPods, iPads, old iPhones.... 

iBribery. 

iPeaceandquiet.
iCangetthingsdonebecauseofthem.

iWouldbeinsanewithoutthesethings.  

iMaybeabadguardtousetheseascrutches. 

iDon'tcare. 

Being a Guard requires multitasking

9 inches of snow on the ground. Snow removal operations have been underway throughout the day. Because of the amount and weight of the wet snow, heavy machinery required for efficient removal. This requires Guard to leave inmates unattended for periods. 

Upon completion of one round of snow removal, guard discovers that #3 has found paint. What started as an attempt to create Valentines Day paintings quickly evolve into body painting. #3 covers large portion of face and hands. Unscheduled mid day bath required. #1 & #2 have done a nice job of cheering on her sister while ensuring they have not been coated  in paint in hopes they will not assume any blame for resulting mess. As is typical in most prisons, inmates are loyal only to themselves and the truth quickly is extracted. All share a part of the blame in the painting of #3. 

#1 has determined that the best method of torture is through gaseous emissions delivered with surgical precision. She entertains herself while simultaneously tormenting fellow inmates and potentially creating a biohazard in the prison. 

#2 has remained under the radar for most of the day. 

Somehow , the massive mounds of clean clothes that posed such a dangerous situation during the polar vortex confinement have begun to once again multiply.  The piles are not yet sufficient to provide Guard with appropriate cover and concealment. They will be left to grow more. Only so much the Guard can do in one day. 

Guess what today is? Yep, another snow day.

Awoken this morning to the dreaded phone call. The Warden's phone rings at 6:01 am and is promptly ignored. One minute later, the Guard's phone rings. It can only be one thing-- change of school scheduled. This time, canceled. 

Polar vortex has retreated, but it is still winter. The 2 inches of predicted snow is now replaced with a ground truthed measurement of 9 inches and it is still falling. 

#1 is the first to awake. She sees snow and starts screaming 'snow day'.  Sorry neighborhood, you are now awake, just like the other prisoners on the cell block. 

Officially hit the 'publish' button of the blog. Immortalized in the Internet for eternity now. 

Warden makes her way to the office. Prisoners are eating everything in sight. Did we feed them yesterday?  I thought so, but their intake seems to suggest otherwise. 

Work calls. Nervousness already occurs when I am in the clock and the guards are in close proximity. 

The process of clothing the prisoners for the day, finding all the snow gear and dressing them should take the better part of an hour. Certainly much longer to prepare for a trek outdoors than the time we will actually be out doors. 

The joys of living in the northeast. Just one weather system away from chaos. 

Wake up

Originally written February 2, 2014.

Laying in bed with the warden. Both trying to ignore the sounds that the general population of the prison were beginning to make. Neither wanting to acknowledge the sounds as part of our daily game of 'wake up chicken' where the first one to blink is the one who gets to leave the beautiful confines of our protective cave. 

#1 makes the first move to overthrow the prison leadership. She demands to immediately know the outcome of Groundhog Day festivities. As the warden is granting her permission to enter to acquire information from the guard, #3 states from the bottom of the stairs that 'at my school, we do not celebrate Groundhog Day'. It was full of the attitude that #3 is known for. 

#1 is not believing reports from Punxsutawney. She is convinced that spring is around the corner. Guard explains that ole Phil saw his shadow. She demands to see pictures. Guard can't find a single picture of Phil that clearly shows a shadow. In typical 'almost' six year old fashion derived from attitudes inherited from the warden, she states, 'see, I told you spring was around the corner'. And in a split second, the conversation changes to chants of 'I'm hungry, what's for breakfast?'

And so the day begins.

Let's get this party started

These are the posts that started it all.  It has been a cold and snowy winter.  The Warden traveled away from home to visit some friends in Florida.  To help keep my sanity, I started to write stories about my interactions with my children.  Here is the birth of the blog.

Note:  No prisoners were harmed.  Comments of duct tape are for pure amusement and literary license at attempts of comedic effect.  This is a long post, but consider it me priming the pump.  Future posts will be shorter.  Enjoy.

Day 413 of winter confinement due to polar vortex. 
Natives restless. Guard unsure how many more times he can count to 3 to break up fighting in the prison. All means of humane punishment have been used to no avail. 

Snow continues. Sickness seems to be subsiding. May be opportunity to venture outside for fresh air and attempts to completely exhaust natives. 

Food supplies holding strong but cleaning supplies dwindling. Massive amounts of clean but unfolded cloths pose greater risk to safety than snow at this point in time. 

Toys being broken at alarming rate. Repair efforts falling short. 

Reinforcements keep texting about activities in Florida but offer of assistance is still days away and arrival possibly threatened by storm systems in horizon. 

DVD collection thoroughly depleted. Netflix is the only option for entertainment for natives.
Internet is the last chance at entertainment and survival is dependent upon it holding out. 
Hope is hanging by a tread but not lost.

Day 413 supplement. 
Prisoner #2 makes surprised efforts at cleaning. #3 sees efforts and joins, but efforts results in tears, additional mess and chaos. #1 holds out of cleaning activities, choosing to continue to destroy toys and use dwindling art supplies. 
The tread of hope mentioned in previous entry is now beginning to fray.

Day 414 of winter confinement due to polar vortex. 
Avalanche alerts posted for south east corner of home. 736 loads of laundry were precariously placed upon spare bed. Attempts at ignoring it the past day have not worked. Dangerous conditions now exist. May consider leaving prisoners in bedtime attire, which will allow further procrastination and minimization of risk associated with finding appropriate clothing for the day. 

Woke up way too early with slight hangover with prisoner #1 wanting to do rainbow loom. This was before shower, coffee and without glasses. Rest of house quiet as #2 and #3 were still asleep. Pencil 'charm' completed and delivered to happy prisoner. Determined that ladies on YouTube who give RL instructions are evil and should be considered enemies of the state. Or guard should better control access to YouTube (probably the best solution but I would rather blame others)

Attempt to fill newly acquired humidifier resulted in it being dropped and broken. It was good to us. Provided much needed humidity to the home for 14 hours. 
Attempt to educate prisoners on the importance of making and consuming coffee products prior to making breakfast were initially met with blank stares. Those quickly and uncontrollably led to the eminent threat of hostile revolt. 

Cursing Mother Nature who awoke everyone to a cruel joke. Extremely bright sunlight which confused prisoners who cannot understand how it can be so bright outside, yet on the other side of their glass cell, the temperature has not risen out of the teens. 

Duct tape is now carried at all times. It will provide much needed protection for guard if needed while still allowing for the eventual delivery of prisoners to their house of education tomorrow hopefully tales of confinement are met with disbelief of educators as whimsical fantasy of young minds. (Note: delete any educators or mandatory reporters from friend list) 

Guard just looked at time. Depression sets in with the realization that it is only 9:30 am. Mental map of all clocks in the home being made and plan to set them all ahead 8 hours is about to be deployed. 

Hope? What is hope?

Day 414 supplement 1.
Warden dropped her phone in the toilet. Not much can be done 1,000 miles away. There is trouble in paradise. 

Current fight that resulted in tears was between #1 and #2. No idea how it started nor do I really care. It is one of 879 that have occurred this morning. The only thing that makes it worth mentioning is that after #2 started to cry, #1 states, "dude, you cry like a girl." Laughter ensues. Is this a cousin or a variation of self soothing? Regardless, not complaining. 

#3 quiet. Paralyzed with fear to check on her. Only bad things can happen when she is quiet. The unknown is less scary than the known though. 

Avalanche alerts have been downgraded. Clothes sorted. Snapping of fingers have not resulted in folding and storage of said clothes as hoped. Must find out how to get magical powers. Most would use powers like that to create world peace. Me? Putting away clothes would be more than enough. Guards cannot be greedy. 

#3 has emerged. Dressed in her Sunday best, sans underwear. Proceeds to flash everyone. #1 chases her in attempt to film her contortions that she calls dancing (efforts to keep girls off the pole have been working-- no one would call them dance moves). 
Must ensure mandatory reporters have been deleted from friends list or the guard will become prisoner. 
Attempt to chase #1 to retrieve camera and delete troublesome pictures has not been successful. Will attempt to use cheese to lure #1 into a trap to gain access to camera. 
They say hope floats. Not sure of there is a correlation between this saying and the running of water in kids bath. Must investigate. 

Upon further investigation, hope does not float. Neither does the role of toilet paper #3 placed in bathtub while water was running. Mystery of the quietness of #3 solved. Positives to take away from this current situation is that there are no consumer electronics at the bottom of the tub. 

Just remembered a very important lesson from the Army-- cover and concealment. If used correctly (and I learned from the masters of sham), a good position can result in very restful naps. The trick is to not be discovered while being close enough to the action that you can still respond to a crisis and emerge in a manner that no one knows your true mission. Our spare bedroom, also labeled as the avalanche zone, is providing perfect cover, yet is positioned in a geographically superior position-- between the prison cells occupied by inmates 1, 2, and 3. The mounds of the remaining clothes provide the cover and concealment needed. 

Somehow the inmates figured out how to use tools. The only remaining child door lock was to my office which is adjacent to the toys r us toy overflow storage area. The child lock and a hammer are on the floor, door is open and a tremendous amount of toys that were previously in storage have now been reintroduced into the population. Is like a night time scene from Toy Story. This will take much effort to fix. Will start scanning yellow pages to rent an excavator to remove toys. On a positive note, all the stuffing is still in all the pillows and couch cushions (yeah, they have been emptied before).

#1 & #2 have learned that if they yell my name at the top of their lungs quickly followed by 'it's an emergency' that I will come running. It's getting old now. While responding to the latest false alarm, I return to my previous tasks to find #3 playing with a light switch and somehow managed to make is spark by holding just in the middle between on and off. Yep, emergency electrical work order submitted to replace switch. Luckily I have one in my emergency home repair kit. Just can't take the chance that she ruined the switch. 


Duct tape is out. I swear I will use it. There, that is what I swear.

Glass half full. Not sure for how long though.

Day 414, supplement..... (No idea what number we are at now. Lucky to be able to turn my phone on.)

Received call from warden on her half working toilet soaked phone. She may have been calling her boyfriend, it's not clear since phone not working properly. If she was, maybe she could send him over for reinforcements. 

While on phone with warden, #3 starts crying. Phone call with Warden is terminated for emergency purposes. #3 states that #2 hurt her. #2 states he broke her and her brain is oozing out of her nose. With 911 punched into the phone, I inspect for possible brain hemorrhage. It's just snot. (Insert Jo joke-- no it'snot). Phone immediately cleared so the call doesn't get butt dialed. 

Inmates request to speak to Warden. Inform them of phone mishap. Poopy and peepee jokes commence due to the toilet mishap. Jokes evolve into the singing of 'someone's having a bad, bad day' (from despicable me if not familiar). 

Avalanche warning has been canceled. No longer any piles of clothes to hide in either. So disappointed, but also relieved that if CYS does get called to the house, at least the house will not look like an episode of "hoarders". 

Spoke too soon on that comment.... While cleaning one room, inmates have destroyed the rest of the prison. One guard just cannot keep up with these things. 

Thankfully the sun has set. Prisoners cannot tell time so will use this to my advantage. Dinner and then bath time to commence pronto. May need to get the pressure washer out to speed up personal hygiene time. (Did I ever clear my friends list of mandatory reporters... I sure hope so...)

Quickly realizing it may have been a mistake to serve pizza for lunch because now I must find something else to serve. Breakfast for dinner? Brilliant plan if I do say so myself. 

Glass still half full, but now it's American Honey on the rocks.

Day 415. 
Escape.  Rescue.  Some semblance of normalcy has returned. 

Full day of school for all kids!!

Full day of meetings and even lunch with adults and adult conversation for the guard. 

Warden due before bedtime. Guard informed he will spend the evening fixing water logged iPhone of the warden. 

House clean. Not white glove inspection clean, but much cleaner than a house should be after the extended prison sentence we endured. 

No hospital trip. Everyone healthy. 

All prisoners are duct taped together to prevent the short timers jinx. They will be released when headlights are seen. 

Success.